A long, long time ago, I used to be a Christian. Then again, I also used to believe in Santa Claus. The thing that primarily killed my faith is that I read enough of The Bible to realize that it teemed with contradictions and thus couldn’t possibly have been divinely inspired AKA the infallible words of a perfect God that was dictated to human transcribers.

Here’s a pair of verses that are completely incompatible:

And whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but unto him that blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven. —Luke 12:10

For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. —Romans 10:13

I used to agonize over those two, because if you commit a sin that can never be forgiven, you burn in the Lake of Fire forever—no turning back, do not pass GO, do not collect $200. So what would happen if, in the same sentence, I said, “Dear Lord, between you and me, the Holy Ghost is kind of a jerkoff, but I’m calling on your name, anyway—so save me, dude”? These two verses can’t be simultaneously true. They cancel out one another.

Another thing that ultimately made no sense was the whole Old Testament/New Testament conundrum. God actually changes his mind? In Leviticus, God lays down a bunch of laws and calls them “everlasting.” Then in the New Testament, we suddenly hear this:

For if that first covenant had been faultless, there would have been no occasion to look for a second. —Hebrews 8:7

So God made a deal with the Hebrews that had faults in it? God is imperfect? It doesn’t compute.

Long after I stopped being a Christian, I started realizing there were other things about The Bible that made no sense, whether logically or emotionally. For example, here’s what is probably the most-quoted Bible verse of all:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. —John 3:16

I now have a son The idea that I would send him in my stead to be crucified for someone else’s fuckups doesn’t sound like love to me; it sounds like the ultimate punk move.

Also: If Adam and Eve were the original humans, how did the world populate itself without incest?

For your edification and enlightenment, here are 30 more pairs of Bible verses that contradict one another:

1.

Thou shalt not kill. —Exodus 20:13

Thus sayeth the Lord God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side. and slay every man his brother…companion…neighbor. —Exodus 32:27

2.

The first angel sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up. —Revelation 8:7

And it was commanded them that they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree; but only those men which have not the seal of God in their foreheads. —Revelation 9:4

3.

Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord. —Proverbs 12:22

The Lord hath put a lying spirit in the mouth of all these thy prophets, and the Lord hath spoken evil concerning thee. —I Kings 22:23

4.

And in the fifth month, on the seventh day of the month…Nebuzaradan…came…unto Jerusalem… —2 Kings 25:8

…in the fifth month, in the tenth day of the month…came Nebuzaradan…into Jerusalem… —Jeremiah 52:12

5.

For by grace are ye saved through faith…not of works. —Ephesians 2:8,9

Ye see then how that by works a man is justified, and not by faith only. —James 2:24

6.

Jehoiachin was eighteen years old when he began to reign, and he reigned in Jerusalem three months. —2 Kings 24:8

Jehoiachin was eight years old when he began to reign, and he reigned three months and ten days in Jerusalem… —2 Chronicles 36:9

7.

Moreover of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy…and they shall be your possession…they shall be your bondmen forever. —Leviticus 25:45-46

Undo the heavy burdens…let the oppressed go free,…break every yoke. —Isaiah 58:6

8.

For I am the Lord; I change not. —Malachi 3:6

And the Lord repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people. —Exodus 32:14

9.

For I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. —Exodus 20:5

The Lord is good to all. —Psalms 145:9

10.

No man hath seen God at any time. —John 1:18

For I have seen God face to face. —Genesis 32:30

11.

For every man shall bear his own burden. —Galatians 6:2

Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. —Galatians 6:2

12.

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God. —Romans 3:23

There was a man…who name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright. —Job 1:1

13.

Two and twenty years old was Ahaziah when he began to reign. —II Kings 8:26

Forty and two years old was Ahaziah when he began to reign. —II Chronicles 22:2

14.

Submit yourself to every ordinance of man…to the king, as supreme; Or unto governors. —I Peter 2:13

We ought to obey God rather than men. —Acts 5:29

15.

And very early in the morning the first day of the week, they came unto the sepulchre at the rising of the sun.  —Mark 16:2

The first day of the week cometh Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre, and seeth the stone taken away from the sepulchre. —John 20:1

16.

And it was the third hour, and they crucified him. —Mark 15:25

…about the sixth hour…they cried out…crucify him….Then delivered he him therefore unto them to be crucified. —John 19:14-16

17.

Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned… —Romans 5:12

Very truly I tell you, whoever obeys my word will never see death. —John 8:51

18.

Everything that lives and moves about will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything. —Genesis 9:3

It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother or sister to fall. —Romans 14:21

19.

Then said Pilate unto him, Hearest thou not how many things they witness against thee?…And he answered him to never a word; insomuch that the governor marvelled greatly… —Matthew 27:13-14

Then Pilate entered into the judgment hall again, and called Jesus, and said unto him, Art thou the King of the Jews?…Jesus answered him, Sayest thou this thing of thyself, or did others tell it thee of me? —John 18:33-34

20.

For he cast two pillars of brass, of eighteen cubits high apiece: and a line of twelve cubits did compass either of them about. —1 Kings 7:15

Also he made before the house two pillars of thirty and five cubits high, and the chapiter that was on the top of each of them was five cubits. —2 Chronicles 3:15

21.

Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him. —Proverbs 26:4

Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. —Proverbs 26:5

22.

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. —Matthew 5:16

Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. —Matthew 6:1

23.

And [Judas] cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and went and hanged himself. —Matthew 27:5

Now [Judas] purchased a field with the reward of iniquity; and falling headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushed out. —Acts 1:18

24.

Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. —Matthew 10:34

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. —John 16:33

25.

And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark. —Genesis 6:19

Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female. —Genesis 7:2

26.

And after six days Jesus taketh Peter, James, and John his brother, and bringeth them up into an high mountain apart… —Matthew 17:1

And it came to pass about an eight days after these sayings, he took Peter and John and James, and went up into a mountain to pray. —Luke 9:28

27.

Then said Jesus unto him, Put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword. —Matthew 26:52

Then said he unto them, But now, he that hath a purse, let him take it, and likewise his scrip: and he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one. —Luke 22:36

28.

Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death. —II Samuel 6:23

But the king took the two sons of Rizpah…and the five sons of Michal the daughter of Saul. —II Samuel 21:8

29.

…the King of kings, and Lord of lords; Who only hath immortality, dwelling in the light which no man can approach… —I Timothy 6:15-16

The Lord reigneth; let the earth rejoice…clouds and darkness are round about him. —Psalms 97:1-2

30.

Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth: —Proverbs 24:17